My Soul Is Stalking Me

Have you ever felt like there is a relentless call coming from your own soul? Have you been hearing it for some time, and resolutely ignoring it, hoping it will go away? And yet it persists! Calling you in new and unexpected ways periodically, hoping to get your attention!  I have been feeling this way for several months now; my soul has been steadily calling me forth to something and I haven’t wanted to do it at all.

The first whisperings started for me during a shamanic journey in January, led by a dear friend in a group of phenomenally powerful women.  The journey was designed to introduce us to our totem animals. We’d done this once before in the past, and I sensed a huge, terrifying animal just out of sight, before a raccoon emerged and told me he was my totem for now, and another was coming. The raccoon is associated with masking identity.  This time, my journey was incredibly relaxed, my setting way wilder, and my totem animal was a black panther. She was awesome, and I loved her immediately.

This was all fabulous, until I heard the various interpretations on what the panther totem signifies; reclaiming one’s personal power, confronting past trauma, reclaiming what was lost, seeing clearly with the eye of insight, a time of really hot sex (any time now, Universe), being called to a heroic journey, transmuting the darkness to the light.

Something about this totem struck a powerful chord with me; it made me feel like simultaneously standing up roaring and cowering in the corner muttering “Me??? Me?? I am supposed to do this???” The muttering part of me won in that moment, but the panther was not done with me yet.

A month later- I’m dreaming of the creepiest things imaginable – think giant floating scrubbing bubbles, but evil and made out of liquid living gray paint. They were surrounding me until one of those aforementioned powerful women appeared and said “remember the panther.” At which point, I was able to literally transmute them all to these beautiful beings, like radiant iridescent dandelion seed clouds.

A month after that – I’m in a writing workshop and we’re doing a guided imagery of who we want to work with and what our message is. Mine came instantly, “the depth of your darkness was just a shadow in comparison to the light you’re meant to live.”

A month after that – I’m in a class about creating coaching programs and the awesome instructor asked us what is our hell and back story – what have we lived through that we’re able to help others with? My answer, “growing up in major dysfunction and the seemingly endless quest for healing that resulted.”

Finally, last month, I was watching a marketing video, of all things, when the complete vision for the site you are currently on flashed into my head. I wanted to do it so badly I could barely breathe, and at the same time I was so scared that I had something close to a meltdown for several days. Does the path to authentic joy have to be so terrifying? Can’t I take the personal power and hot sex and just leave the rest? My soul says no. (Damn it!)

The thing is, I’ve wanted to be a “light” version of a mender, where I don’t have to risk so much of myself, where I don’t have to bare my soul for the world to see. But that just doesn’t work. Did I survive being raised by a crazy, alcoholic sadist so I can lead corporate creativity workshops? Did I slog through more than a decade of my own grueling healing journey so I can help people clarify their goals? Freakin A, people, no, I did not, though I have spent a long, long time wanting that to be true. I’m not a surface person, friends, no matter how hard I try. Bring me your darkness, your ick, the shit you would prefer to pretend never happened.

This post is my declaration of acceptance of my soul’s call – of that beautiful panther, and everything she means – no matter what. She is mine, and I am hers, and I’m ready to be led on this journey, even if it means shaking in fear the whole way.

What is YOUR soul calling you forth to do? What is that nagging, persistent voice that won’t let go, that keeps nudging you towards your highest self? If you’re feeling brave, post it here in the comments – I, for one, would love to hear it.

If you’re feeling incredibly brave, check out the Juicy Audio page to try your own shamanic journey and meet your totem animal. I would love to hear who appears for you! Just don’t blame me if that voice gets so loud you can no longer ignore it! 😉

Raaawwwwwr, my friends. Til next time.