“I would’ve fucked you.” This sentence, said by a dear friend years after we met, is what truly convinced me to take this “impossible” journey. Should I have been offended? Well, maybe, but that was not my reaction at all. I was both overjoyed and completely dismayed. Overjoyed cause this man is gorgeous and a complete sweetheart (as is his current girlfriend – there’s nothing happening there, but it was good to know anyway.) Dismayed because it brought home the REAL cost of my distorted self-concept.
It made me wonder – how many times have I been with an attractive man who is attracted to me and I was completely unaware of it? How many times have I been lost in my same, usual, drudgery story of my unworthiness while proof that it is untrue is freaking standing in front of me and I can’t see it? This was the first layer of calculating the cost for me – realizing that this stupid belief system has already interfered with my dating potential. As I explore further into InterracialDatingSites, the interactions I have been getting are making the layers of cost keep unfolding.
I was discussing the man magnet plan with a good friend of mine, who immediately said “what? You’re saying you want to be a hoochie?” Which, in addition to making me laugh, really made me think. Am I committing to this so I can have a series of dating experiences with a variety of men? Would I even want that? The answer is…not really. Do I want to be a man magnet? Do I truly want what I said I wanted – lots of male attention, wherever I go? My deep, core answer to that is “that would be really annoying.” I’m an introvert, and while I enjoy people immensely, I also love having the option of talking or not talking depending on how much energy I have at the moment. I had a vision of walking into the grocery store and being followed by hordes of men wanting to date me (as that’s what I said I wanted!)… and how incredibly aggravating that would be.
So what the hell do I want? This is truly it: to feel beautiful and worthy around men, and to recognize opportunities for relationship when they are in front of me. I’ve never wanted a whirlwind of dates with different men; I’ve always wanted a partner who I can build a life with. When I initially set out on this journey, I thought it would be a fun thing to try. As I continue with it and talk with people about it, I’m gaining clarity. It’s the feeling that I think being a man magnet would bring me that I really want, and so I get to alter my quest. I want to recognize my own beauty. I want to feel like I am a treasure. When I am standing in front of my heart’s deepest longing, I want to know in my bones that I am worthy of him and am capable of creating a beautiful partnership with him. And for that, friends, I would take on Sauron, the Nazgûl, and every slavering Orc in Mordor and good fucking luck to them.
If you’ve committed to your own “impossible” journey – and I sure hope you have – I’m inviting you now to really check in with yourself on WHY you want to make this journey. What do you truly want? If your journey was “I want to be rich,” ask yourself why. Maybe your answer is “freedom” – the freedom to quit a job that you hate, the freedom to travel the world, whatever. Maybe what is driving you to become a savvy public speaker is the knowledge that you have an important, healing message to share with as many people as you can.
When you come to that answer, you can calculate the true cost of hanging in Rivendell, refusing to take your hero’s quest. Then you can ask yourself…am I willing to pay this price? Am I willing to give up freedom, healing, real partnership…just because of some scary creatures standing in my way?
HELL no, people. Let’s hunt some Orc.