I just had an intuitive reading. It was unexpected and incredible. I received an answer to a burning question I’ve had for nearly two years, and the answer – though so beautiful – left me feeling completely ashamed. Like I was broken and still had to fix myself. Like all the glue I have applied to put myself back together is just that – a temporary fix. I can’t ever be whole again; there will be an eternal quest to patch up any remaining cracks I missed. Then some part of me cried out, “that is SUCH bullshit.” Today’s post is for the moment when you’re feeling broken, unlovable. Because, friends, in that moment you’re believing a lie.
So you have my story – my burning question was basically, “WTF, universe?” in regards to having fallen wholeheartedly in love with someone who does not love me. I’ve had a bit of a history of personal-growth-through-falling-for-unavailable-men. (It’s not always pretty, but it beats fasting!) I have mined this experience for every shred of soul growth I can find, and am honestly pretty tired of mining it. Hence the, “WTF, universe?”
The intuitive said that this is the universe’s way of busting my heart wide open. That there is wall in front of my heart. It is a call to shine all that love I feel right back on me. That the way I view giving love to myself is like using a tool, a means to an end, instead of a way of being. That my current heart is like a beautiful, lovely shell and it will shatter and let a powerful white light flow through it. When this happens, I will be able to speak my truth far more powerfully in a lot of situations.
None of this is exactly bad news. Further, I’ve had little flashes in the last six months of having that white light flow through me, and it felt freaking amazing. However, my instant reaction upon hanging up the phone was shame.
Shame at having a wall in front of my heart. Shame at using self-care as a means to an end. Shame at having a lovely and beautiful shell for a heart. Shame at having this seen by an intuitive I’ve never met and may never speak to again.
It seems that no matter how many times I look at this, there is still another layer of the shame onion: I am broken and must fix myself so I can be like other people, who are whole.
Instead of even trying to work through this intellectually, I’m going to just take the intuitive’s/universe’s advice and shine all that love back on myself.
Here’s the thing – I know this man I fell in love with believes he’s broken too. But I know, with the whole of my being, that he’s wrong about that. His soul is the type of beautiful that leaves you falling off your chair, stunned that something so exquisite can exist.
If he appeared on my doorstep and told me he felt shame because he had a heart wall and was using self-care as a tool, I would hug him and tell him that it’s kinda silly to feel shame because he’s a living, breathing spark of the divine and nothing on the planet can change that. And that maybe he has a heart wall so he can learn what it feels like to be guarded and how to dissolve it so he can help other people do the same. Or that even if he does nothing about it, who the hell cares because he’s a living, breathing spark of the divine that brings joy and healing to people just by his existence and that’s all he needs to be.
Of course, I can’t quite get to the point where I can believe that about myself. (I have a shell for a heart, after all.) But…I can use it to stop the shame storm and the ridiculous broken-story.
I am not broken. In fact, I am not breakable.
Your turn – pick your broken story of the moment:
- I’ll never be okay because I was abused.
- I just don’t have the capacity to love like other people do.
- I am not worthy of having close friendships.
- If people really knew me, they wouldn’t love me.
- Once I get past this, then I’ll be okay.
- I need to hide _____ about me, or I won’t be accepted.
Really look at what you’re saying about yourself with this story. Identify the specific points that cause you to feel shame.
If you believe in god or any divine being that you can see as a person (Jesus, Kwan Yin, Archangel Michael, Buddha), pick one that resonates for you. If you struggle with divine beings, pick someone who you deeply love and can see clearly. You can see past their human ‘flaws’ to the fundamentally beautiful essence of who they are. If you have a lot of strife in relationships right now, you might pick a completely beloved pet.
If you’re struggling with this at all, it might help to bring to mind a clear memory of deeply loving that being without any judgment.
Sit with that feeling of love for a minute and let it expand.
Then imagine that being you love so dearly communicating with you their shame about those specific points you identified above. See how you react to each point and how you view this being as they communicate their shame. Listen to Archangel Gabriel as he tells you he is flawed and unlovable. Imagine your beloved baby feeling shame because of the essence of who she is. Imagine your pet confessing to you that if you really knew him, you wouldn’t love him.
I’m going to bet that you had a mixed reaction – laughter at the ridiculousness of such a perfect and beautiful creature feeling shame, and sorrow that this being could believe such lies about themselves.
Write down what you would say to this being after they expressed their shame to you.
Then, turn that love you have for that being on to yourself. Breathe and sit with it for a minute.
Read your words back, out loud, substituting your name for the being’s when present. It’s okay if you don’t believe it right away. The important thing is to have a voice who can see shame for the lie it is and remind you that you’re worthy and lovable, even if you can’t see it in the moment.
The truth is, you deserve that kind of love too.