Declare Your Independence

What area of your life is just not working? Where do you feel stuck, unable to create a different experience, a result you want?

Let’s change that today. In honor of American Independence Day yesterday, we’re going to declare our independence and get out of this old rut.

I’m exploring online dating right now, and have invested time, energy, cash and transformation into having a really great experience. I intend dating to be a really fun, romantic adventure, but what I’ve felt thus far is just burdened, uninspired and overwhelmed.

If we’re not good friends yet, you might not know that I’m an introvert with a finite supply of social energy. Adding online dating to my life feels very much like having a mandatory daily cocktail party to attend, and instead of excited, intrigued, giddy, I just feel drained.

Drained is not sexy. Drained is definitely not fun, romantic, or adventurous.

I want to change this pattern, so I’m using this for today’s process.

Declare Your Independence 

Step #1: Pick the area of your life that you want to change.
Mine is my online dating experience. I want to change it from dull and draining to fun and exciting. 

Step #2: Identify the pattern of action, interaction, habit that is causing you to remain stuck in this area.
What is keeping me stuck is my pattern of internally insisting on being open to everyone, carefully responding to even the most outrageous emails, having no sorting criteria, and believing that I have to respond in a ‘timely’ fashion to every message I get.

Step #3:  Brainstorm ways in which that pattern is hurting you and others
This pattern is hurting me by:

• Sucking away all of my social romantic energy, leaving me with no time to search for men I am interested in.
• Causing me to judge myself for not keeping up with all of the email.
• Making me feel inauthentic, like I’m not being true to myself.
• Making me want to give up on creating fun dating adventures.

This pattern is hurting others by:

• Wasting the time and energy of men I am not really interested in getting to know.
• Depriving the men who I would be interested in of the chance to have fun dating adventures with me.
• Decreasing my social energy available for my friends and family.

Step #4: Determine what truths you hold to be self-evident as it relates to this situation.
I believe that each person has the right to expect authenticity in dealing with others. I believe that each person has the right to pursue anyone they find interesting, and that the person is free to respond or not depending on interest.

I believe that each of us deserves to find someone who believes we are the best thing since sliced bread, and halfhearted interest has no place in love.

Step #5: Declare your independence
You can declare this very simply with an “I declare this pattern no longer serves me and I release it” statement. Alternative, you can write out your own declaration of independence:

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the emotional bonds which have connected them with an unhealthy pattern, a decent respect to the opinions of humankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that… {insert your truths here}

The pattern has… {insert the harms done by the pattern here. Feel free to expand each one to a full paragraph.}

Therefore, I do solemnly publish and declare, that I am and of right ought to be free from this limiting pattern; that I am absolved from all allegiance to the pattern and that all connection between me and the pattern, is and ought to be totally dissolved.

Bonus Step #6: Draw your flags
To make this more visceral, draw a flag that represents your old pattern. Draw a new one to represent the pattern you are welcoming in instead.

Then, celebrate with fireworks (and maybe a barbecue!)

What are you declaring independence from? Leave a comment and share it with us.